Sometimes I post because I have things on my mind. It doesn't always make sense, but I post it anyway. A lot of the time I tell people I'm not interested in their opinion on what I write - it's how I feel; and yet, I get the lectures and opinions anyway.
I only mention this because people wonder why I don't confide in them. Well, the fact that I say I'm not interested in talking about things, and people decide to mention them anyway tells me that they don't value my opinions and don't listen to what I'm saying anyway, so why share?
(I'm not speaking of anyone imparticular, just commenting on times past.)
So, that being said, I have had a few persons of the male persuasion recently enter my life. It's been a new, and weird experience for me. I have no desire to change anyone - to fit them to my needs - but I have found that as much as I try to be nice, and accepting of who they are, they try just as hard to manipulate me into doing or being what they want me to be, or think I am. Sometimes, they try to flirt by telling me I'm gaining points with them. Gaining points? What does THAT mean?
Ok, so my lack of romantic relationships has not helped me any. I don't understand the "rules" in dating. I think guys trying to talk all slow and quiet, (like they're trying to be romantic) is just creepy. I don't appreciate it when they try to tell me I'm "holding back" when I'm being as straight forward as I can be. And I don't like feeling like I have to talk to them daily if I'm not interested, or being manipulated into revealing my "feelings." Apparently people think they know me better than I know myself, and to be honest, that just pisses me off. Why do I try to be as understanding of people for who they are as I can be; but don't get that in return? Why do I get cussed out and insulted for being me; and later being spoken to like nothing happened? When was I broken to the point that I think this is ok, because I don't want to hurt others? And why do I post things like this so people know my short comings and can take advantage of them?
I don't know. But if feeling obligated to change for others - which is how I feel I've spent a lot of my life - is what I have to do to be with someone, then all that'll come of that is anger and resentment. I would rather continue to be alone. If I change because of someone, it will be because it makes me happy and a better person. I would want to change; because of them and for them. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm also not a puppet. It just seems (from the experiences I've had) that that's all anyone wants.
I should just stop. 'Nuf said.