I was told last year that one of my problems was that I work too much, and that things could be worked out if I found a way to leave room in my life. I took that to heart, and did the work.
The reason I did the work ended up being dishonest. But still, the work was important.
I realized something...
If you pray and ask God to help you find a job (for example), then you can't sit on your butt watching TV all day and just expect a job to fall out of the sky and land in your lap. You need to get out there an do the work to show you really want a job.
The opposite is also true.
If you pray and ask God to bless you with time for yourself and to spend with those that matter, you can't keep working so hard that there is no room for God to bless you and take care of the rest.
That's been my problem. I work and work and work, but have left no room for God to help me. Work like it depends on me, yes, but it DOESN'T. I need to have faith that God will fill in the gaps. And so, I have thinned out my work schedule to leave room.
That's what led to a boring week, and a whole weekend to do nothing more than sit on my bed and sleep.
It's been nice.
...but boring. :)
I've had a lot of time to ponder. One thing I realized is that I put a lot of weight on people's words. If someone asks me to do something, and I agree, it gets done. That's just how I work. But I have found, that not all people feel or think this same way.
For example, I have had one "friend" recently who has made plans with me on 3 separate occasions. The first time I was stood up, it was quite obvious in the morning that there was no intention by this person of following through with the plans; but I had hope that my suspicions were wrong. When the appointed hour came, all I received was a text about how tired and sore they were. No indication was given that they remembered we were supposed to go out. No apologies for not making it. I let it slide, but knew very well that the texts came when they did because the person knew what they were doing. I'm no fool.
The second incident was similar. Plans were loosely made to meet after I got off work. Texts were exchanged talking about where they were. But when I was done with my job, no one was there to hang out with. Later a call was made and a description of their day was given, but again, no mention of the plans that had been made.
By the third request for my time, I knew going in that it would more than likely not happen. But, I set the time aside anyway. Always this friend "forgets" about the plans, but "happens" to text or call during the time that the plans were supposed to begin; always sounding innocent, and always quick to be defensive that (in their words) I sound angry. Honestly, by the third incident, there was no anger. It was affirmation of this person's selfishness and an expected outcome to my evening.
I'm not stupid. I can tell what people are going to do, but often, I give them the benefit of the doubt.
I need to top doing that. The time I put aside, and the care I give in remembering and caring about another is friendship and love. The continued lack of caring is not friendship. This person, and others like this individual are not my friends.
I find myself sad that I am lonely, but how much more lonely am I than I was before? Not much; I just have more time on my hands. Time to realize that there are many people in my life who do or have claimed to be friends, but that have put no value into their words or actions that show that they really are. In fact, even if I give people a break - a benefit of the doubt (because sometimes people do forget, or have things come up), I still find that there are those that will take advantage of that patient and easy going side of my nature. Even if there are those that don't put as much effort into getting something done when they agree to a task as I do, chances are there will still be some effort.
And so, my free time - time that I opened to spend with one of these "friends" - has been spent realizing that I need to clean house a little. I need to stop giving people who have continually chosen to treat me badly, when I have done nothing but try my hardest to be there for them, my time. I need to stop.
See, friends don't lie to you. If they've been friends for a long time, and they know you, they don't assume. If they think you have done something offensive, they don't automatically jump to the conclusion that you have, if there has never been any evidence to back that up.
One "friend" of mine did that. This person has opted to no longer be my friend. But if they ever bothered to open their eyes and look at the big picture, they would see that the person who they did side with was nothing but a toxin. In every meeting, e-mail and discussion I had, I always rallied for this person. I talked about their work ethic, their commitment and their reason for working the way they did. I asked, on every occasion - even as behavior's became hateful and hostile, to please allow me to step away if it came down to it, but to please NOT penalize my friend...
And the one my friend ultimately sided with? Always would push the blame off on them. That person never took responsibility. They ALWAYS blamed it on my friend, because that person wasn't there to defend the actions.
If I had had a real friend, that behavior would have been so transparent, because they KNEW me, and would have realized I would NEVER have done anything to falsely accuse them. But they saw what they wanted to see.
Friends don't try to take advantage of you. They don't tell you to "lower your standards because they're ridiculous." They don't make fun of your beliefs even if they don't agree.
HOWEVER, a friend DOES - if they are a TRUE friend - tell you when you are making mistakes. Friendship doesn't mean you have to support someone in their bad choices.
If you are watching your friend walking on the railroad tracks, and you see a train coming, would you support them and cheer them on for balancing on the track, or would you yell at them to get off because they're about to be killed?
A true friend would help you see past the pink haze of happiness that came with making a decision and tell you the train is coming; even and especially if it's a huge decision that can ultimately take you down roads that you have already found to be undesirable.
For example, if you have had problems in the past with stealing and have worked very hard to break that habit, would it be a good decision to start dating a kleptomaniac?
A friend would see that train coming, and even if it was a hard discussion to have, would tell you to get off the tracks. A real, true friend would love you enough to tell you that you're wrong.
And so, I have decided to love myself, and be my own friend. I'm jumping off the tracks and away from the selfish person who describes their self as a friend. That's not friendship, and I don't need it.
The other, though I have a deep love for that person, has been poisoned to who I am. I hope those that say they are friends will clue that person in to how much angrier and unhappy they seem since the decision they have made. It's been noticed; and not by me. I hope they have the courage to yell before the train hits.
In the meantime, I have opened up some time, and will wait and allow faith the room it needs to point me toward where I'm supposed to be, and friends that are good, true, faithful, loving and trust worthy.
I am used to being alone. I am used to being lonely. But I hope that I won't have to be forever. I just need to find a true friend to love.
