Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I enjoy the lights, the smells,the kindness, and the opportunity to buy people presents. I love finding things that people will appreciate & enjoy. But this year, I just can't get into it. I seem to have lost my Christmas spirit.
I don't want anything this year, and people don't seem to understand that. I don't have anything to give in return, so getting seems so selfish! I already get SO MUCH from my family, I can't ask them for frivilous things just because. And truly, the few things I really want I would never get - not without jokes, mean comments or just passing it off as stupid ideas and terrible decisions. So, I don't even talk about those things anymore.
Truly, I'm just not into it. I like the lights, it still smells good, and I listen to Christmas Music, but I have no desire to decorate. No urge to go to Disneyland, no need for a Christmas List or wrapping paper. It just seems like it will be any other day.
It's my own fault, really. I was stupid and ruined someone's Christmas last year. The details aren't important, but the horror at ruining Christmas - it's too much. It's truly one of the most horrible, nightmarish memories I have. I don't know if I'll ever get my holiday spirit back. I don't deserve it. I definitely don't deserve anything from Santa. I was stupid; and my attempt to make someone's holiday joyful came back and exploded in my face. Now I'm more than a little gun-shy to do, buy or give anything. I can't have that happen again.
So, I appreciate the good will, and the reason for the season, but as for being part of it, I'd rather just watch from afar, and patiently wait for the New Year. That's really all I want.
