I have to admit, when this year began, I knew I had a lot of things on my plate, but I thought it would be a happy and productive year. I was working, which was a wonderful blessing, and I had family and friends to support me.
How quickly all that changed, and soon this became the hardest and worst year of my entire life. I took on too much. While I continued to have the love and support of my family, it seems like it's more about the lecture than the love. And I lost my best friend, Well...
I came to find out through a series of events that I never really had a best friend. The majority of the year was all based in lies. Everything as far back as February was untrue, and the heartbreak of losing what I "thought" was a future was blended with emotional abuse, rudeness, hatred, harassment and unfounded accusations. What did I do wrong? Truthfully, I have learned that I talk too much. I told too many people of my heartbreak. But when you usually talk about those sorts of things with your best friend; but your best friend is the one who did the hurting... what are you supposed to do? I talked to those that would listen. It was wrong, and I have learned that while I thought opening up to others was a healthy thing, I was better off staying private and not sharing.
Other than that, I did nothing but my job. I wrote a production manual that can be used for every show we do, and I was treated abhorrently for it. (On the plus side, I have had some other companies ask me to write one for them; as it is a useful and needed tool.) I find it interesting that the people who constantly used the excuse of "unprofessionalism" and my - favorite phrase, - "leaving amateur night to the amateurs," are the ones who so blatantly were unprofessional and amateur. I know that any additional ramifications of actions over the last few months that may arise will automatically be considered my fault, and I fear a little bit for my personal safety.
But truly, the thing that hurts the most is that all of this hatred and possible backlash has come from someone I thought would be part of my life forever. Someone who acted as though they actually cared about me and my well being. Someone I considered family and invited into my home and into my life. It's painful to realize how false it all was, and how quickly someone who says they love you can replace you. That's not real love.
And while I know I will be better off having people in my life who truly care about me, and want to see me, and be with me and are HONEST; and that I can be and do all of those things in return for, it doesn't make the pain of losing what I thought I had any easier. Honestly, I wish I could erase the last 2 years from my mind. They were a dishonest waste of my love, friendship, support and compassion. I don't deserve the treatment I was given. I don't deserve it at all. No man can serve two masters, and pride cometh before the fall. Those that find hatred and anger to be the easy path can keep it. God knows my heart. He knows I work to protect and serve those who need it. The others who are older, and know better, and should be supporting and mentoring, can keep their pride and "respect." That's all they will find they have left; and the only person that will respect them, is themselves.
On the plus side, I was given a wonderful gift this year, which helped me realize what unconditional love is. This is my new baby girl, Alice.
At a time where I should have been working with people I loved and appreciated on a show for kids, I was instead working on my own to make sure those that were there to learn were loved, supported and protected. (Sad, really, that I had to take a stand and protect them. It should never have been that way...)
Every day was hard. Every day was dark and sad. I was so alone and trying desperately to do right in the intimidating face of wrong and hatred. But this silly little naked kitten made the sun shine again. She gave me a purpose. She gave me something else to think about, to take care of and focus on. I love her desperately!!
I wish that I could have gotten her under different circumstances. I would have loved to share her with someone honest, but that person doesn't exist. Still, I'm so grateful to fill this hole in my heart with this beautiful, wrinkled crazy cat!
And so, we get ready to start a new year. New beginnings that will bring new, true and honest friends and loves.
Things I have learned:
1. Prayer - true and honest prayer is important. You can't pray and ask God to bless you in doing things that are wrong. It doesn't work that way. He won't help you in your wickedness; and lying, cheating, and abusing power are not part of God's plan.
2. I am stronger than I realize, and I am blessed by using that strength to help those younger than myself who are treated unfairly. NO ONE put into a position where they should be lovingly supported and taught should be bullied, abused, and made to feel that they are doing less. How quickly we can destroy a heart and a dream when we let our own pride get in the way of teaching! I am grateful that I spent sleepless nights, and hours of driving, running errands and even using all my money to help those that needed it. It adds a little extra stress to my life, but you know what? I have been so blessed, that it has not only worked out, but I have gained a greater love and friendship with some amazing and beautiful young women who have such amazing spirits! I am so grateful to have them in my life!
3. I have come to understand and appreciate the value of knowledge. People who decide to title themselves as something, without the full knowledge, training and understanding that the title describes, tend to think they know more than those who have taken the time to train properly, and in the process, they hurt and abuse. I have gained a greater conviction that youth theater needs to be done by people who have the education and training needed to teach them proper protocol and etiquette. Those that decide on their own to "be" something can indeed accomplish it, but they do not necessarily do it correctly, and in the process they make life difficult for those they work with, and do no favors to those who work with the youth next. Instead, there is a lot of "retraining" that needs to take place so kids don't go into new situations with bad habits or wrong information. I'd rather just start with people who will teach correctly, and work within their responsibilities, instead of trying to take over. They tend of be more compassionate, and good with both kids AND adults. Theater is a collaborative art. It is not a vehicle for personal pride and gain.
4. I need to find more balance in my life. I need to have time for work and time for me. I work to pay my bills, but I also need to rely a little more on the Lord to fill in the gaps when I need a minute to breathe. I am a woman of faith, and I need to use my faith more often, instead of relying solely on my own strength. Just because I can do it, doesn't mean I need to.
5. I still hate lectures and unsolicited comments. While I understand they often come to me out of love, they come across as ways to make me feel guilty and terrible. I never have, and probably never will take the advice that comes to me that way. It's not helpful. Perhaps that it a fault that I need to work on, but I already have feelings of self-doubt. Why do I need to have others point out those flaws I see everyday?
6. Even with my flaws, I am worth more than I give myself credit for, and I deserve friends of quality. I am tired of doing and being for others, and being resolved in the fact that I never receive anything in return. I deserve the same respect. I deserve people wanting to come see me and be in my life, as opposed to when it is convenient. I tend to be more on the selfless side; and that tends to attract the selfish.
God knows my heart. I look forward to a year of blessings, happiness and (finally) a year of honesty.
I deserve that much.