But at the same time, with all of the drama that occurred, I have to wonder, "What could I have done better?"
I know that in every situation there are two sides to every story, and no one person is completely at fault. So, what could I have done to change the outcome, or would it have been the same regardless?
Granted, the final end-of-the-year blow up was the culminations of a year of lies by someone other than myself, but still... I'm the one that was left battered and beaten. What could I have done to prevent that?
I'm having a difficult time understanding life, I guess. Why is it that the people in this world that lie, deceive and cheat seem to be the people that walk away from situations they create in selfishness with rewards and happiness, and the bystanders are left bleeding, and crying and fighting to find happiness? Why does someone who cheats, get to walk away with another person, but the one they left behind is left to pick up the pieces? Why is someone who manipulates and intimidates able to get away with their actions, and those they hurt never even get an apology, but instead get more work cleaning up the mess? Why does someone who harasses others get a happily ever after, and the person harassed gets a box of Kleenex?
I know life isn't fair, but it seems that life has become a place where those that do wrong are rewarded, and those that do right (or try to do right) are punished. So I ask, what could I have done differently? Do need to be angrier, meaner, manipulative, abusive? Do I need to call people names, act superior, and "puffed up?"
I don't think I can do that.
So, instead, I fight for my happy. I start over. I go back to being alone. I have a lot of time to spend on doing what I can to exceed expectations. But what - in the grand scheme of things - am I expected to exceed in doing?
Whatever it is, I think I'm failing at it.